Choices

As we watch the most recent fracas in our most ‘august’ Parliament, watching our ‘distinguished’ legislators battle out the issues that matter to India’s present and future, one is baffled as to how we could have been so remiss in our duties. The country needs structural economic reforms like a fat man needing to go on a diet. The problem is that quite like the fat man, our nation and our people are resistant to making the deep and necessarily painful sacrifices so that our future can be more secure. But then, looking at our peers abroad who perhaps need to make just as painful and urgent decisions to safeguard their fates but who would rather demonize and fight amongst themselves to decide who must sacrifice the most, perhaps we are not alone in our absurdity.

 

 

What are the choices before us? And do we have it in us, as a nation, to recognize the problems that bedevil us and to solve them as a nation? It is convenient to blame our political class for the morass we are in at present, but quagmires aren’t created overnight. Our polity, our attitude to our governing classes, which in turn influences their attitudes towards us, has been to demand the most while giving up the least. “I am a farmer and I produce the grain that you eat and the cotton that you wear. So you must bear the cost of giving me free electric and water supply and exempt me from taxation.” Or “I am a small business owner. Rather than providing me incentives and the facilities to grow my business, I want you to protect me from bigger competitors by erecting barriers to entry and mollycoddling me.” Where is the intellectual debate, the discourse that drives great nations to frenzies of progress? Have we, the nation that bore the great Buddha, the man who advised humanity to give up, for the sake of salvation, the notion of the personal ego, become a nation of egotistic maniacs? Did a nation that, when burdened by the shackles of colonialism, was selfless become selfish the moment the flag of independence was raised? Or were we always this way – concerned solely with our personal ambition and welfare, the rest of the world be damned?

We often and repeatedly repeat for the sake of our foreign peers the cliché that despite the diversity of ethnicity, language, culture, and creed, India has survived as a unified nation for over 65 years now. I say it’s a cliché but really it’s a fallacy. Vast swathes in the heart of our territory are in a state of quasi-civil war between our armed forces and Maoist insurgents. Our North-eastern brethren are dissatisfied with our lack of attention and our cow-belt-centric polity, and have expressed their dissatisfaction with violence on and off ever since they became a part of our Union. Kashmir remains a carbuncle on our arse, one that will neither heal on its own nor let us sit down and relish our general health otherwise. These pressures have always existed, but that we should have let them both fester and become so noxious is our failing as a people. We may say that we elect our leaders to make the difficult decisions for us – alas, when they do make them (once in a blue moon), we are prone to booting them out to Hades. We may say that how does my life in Mumbai/Delhi/Bangalore/Chennai/Kolkata/etc. Impact the Naxalite struggle, but the fact of the matter is that until we recognize that we as a collective have a problem, we have no way of trying to figure out a solution to it as a collective.

We Indians (and while I say that, I recognize that perhaps every country’s natives, but I am concerned solely with India, so that’s that) are prone to taking umbrage to any non-native making disparaging or even critical remarks about our economy, our political system, our social structure, our urban malaise, our infrastructure deficit, etc. We resent them for saying that we aren’t as good as them, for pulling rank on us. To some extent, we have yet to recover from our colonial hangover; we still feel that the world owes us preferential treatment of some kind to recompense for all the horrors and tortures it inflicted on us while we were being colonised. And yet, we clamour for a seat at the high table as an equal, as a nation that will be the superpower of the future. These two attitudes are fundamentally contradictory and the sooner we realize that basic fact, the better it will be for all of us. Sure, we have the right to be offended by criticism, but when it’s constructive criticism, we have no right to be an ostrich with its head in the sand.

We were a great nation; were, because we have a long way to regaining that stature again. We have to comprehend that fundamental change will come not from the barrel of a gun or the throngs of the mob, but from the citadel of the mind. We, the people of this nation, have to work together to identify the problems, understand how best we can solve them, and then get down to solving them. For some of this, we may need to be inside the system, but for some of it, we can very well work alongside the system. The solution to solving corruption or inefficiency in our public lives isn’t to dismantle or uproot the existing system or to create a Russian-doll structure with overlapping bureaucracies and hierarchies regulating the activities of one another. We must understand the fundamental motivations behind such malaises, understand the incentives that will propel people to do the right thing and disincentives which will discourage the wrong sort of behaviours and apply a mixture of both. We cannot expect our government to be an omnipotent enforcer of public morality when we as a society are content to tolerate immorality so long as it benefits us.

We were a nation of reformers, visionaries, educators, and pioneers, who understood that solving problems means sometimes getting into the muck ourselves rather than always petitioning the government to solve them for us. Sure, the government and the opposition parties/coalitions are clueless about what they should be doing and what they should be focusing on – but what are we, the people, for then? The act of voting, of delegating them to the legislatures to be our representatives, is in no way a carte blanche pass for us to abdicate our nation-building responsibilities. If they are clueless, shake them out of their complacency and remind them of what they are supposed to be representing – the will of the people – and not some twisted Machiavellian fantasy of power and influence.

 

 

Political parties vie for our attention in their pretence, in their clamour, to be called our ‘servants’. They call each other enemies of our welfare, while at the same time pursuing the very same policies which they decry. And that we do not call them out on their obvious hypocrisy, that we continue to fall prey to their bait, is surely as much our own failure as much as their perfidy. They will not do what we need them to do, and then conveniently excuse their inaction or even their misguided policies by pointing the finger to our wants and our resistance to change. Like Juvenal would say, “The people who once upon a time handed out military command, high civil office, legions, everything, now restrains itself and anxiously hopes for just two things: bread and circuses.” If they think of us as simpletons who are content with their theatrics, remind them that they have got another thing coming.

 

 

We are a nation that has embraced the notion of capitalism but cannot shake off its adherence to socialism. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem lies when the belief in both ideologies starts interfering with our ability to move along the path of progress. For example, can we have FDI in retail while protecting our small business owners and our farmers from being exploited? Yes, we can, if we are willing to put in the time and effort to create a coherent policy which addresses all concerns, safeguards all stakeholders, and still offers a roadmap to innovation and enterprise. Are we capable of such genius? Any nation that can boast of the IITs, of having created one of the finest planned cities of our age (Chandigarh), a nation that is now creating a digital repository of its populace to streamline welfare and ID provisos, is capable of such and even greater genius. For sure, we have a myriad set of concerns, and while we may want to address all of them in the end, we also have to prioritize, i.e. choose. The twist lies in whether we are willing to do it, and whether we are willing to be content with simplistic notions or whether we will be patient enough to thrash out a robust framework? This in the end is the most basic (at the risk of being simplistic) choice before us. The fork has always been in there in the road – dare we make a decision and choose one path for good?

Back to school....

Come tomorrow and what will be the toughest two years of my life start off. Tough not insomuch that the stress and the pressure is something I am not used to, but because how I perform in these two years might very well determine the course of my entire life. But that’s for tomorrow.

The Ropes course was AWESOME!!!!! For someone who’s never done anything remotely adventurous so far, I found it to be absolutely enjoyable and a greatly intoxicating experience. Zipping across Lake Matoaka suspended from a harness and trusting a steel wire to bear one’s weight as the waters came closer to one’s derriere and then being jerked upwards towards the shore was perhaps the most exhilarating and invigorating thing I have ever done so far. And then there were the High and Low elements in the Course; the Low ones were informative vis-à-vis how we work in teams. But the High elements, especially the swing over the pits, the bell-ringer jump, and the two-wire walkway were simply mind-blowing (although I did not do the bell-ringer myself, but it seemed so damn fine).

If there was one thing that made the experience even more enjoyable, it has been the presence of a stellar team. Isaiah, Katie and Snowy have been the most supportive and encouraging lot I have had the pleasure of working with so far and I have been fortunate to have worked with generally supportive people so far, so this is a big thing. At every element, I was eager to go ahead, but my inbuilt reticence held me back, but their prodding and motivation ensured I had a wonderful time.

The debriefing after the Course was equally informative; we were asked when we felt particularly effective and ineffective in a personal and team capacity during the duration of the Course, as also what we noticed about each other’s capabilities and qualities. What came out of the discussion was a frank understanding of each other, of strengths and weaknesses, of places where we need to improve and places where we need to build on our laurels. But essentially so far, and I hope this luck lasts for the entire 2 years and even beyond, the team seems to have gelled well together.

Thereafter at the Logos design for the individual teams at the Amphitheatre it was enjoyable to see individual teams come up with interesting and somewhat meaningful logos and connotations for the same, and trying to explain the connection with the team. Somehow we, as a team, decided we wanted something that represented unity and strength in numbers, and after much deliberation, struck on five joined links; individually we may have some weaknesses, but together we build on each other’s strengths. To my mind, this is a good omen, that such a thought is so prominent in our team’s ethos, and augurs a very pleasant working environment.

The end-of-orientation party on Saturday would have ended up as another quiet and ‘well-mannered’ affair, had it not been for the ‘raucous’ Indians and our tendency to just let ourselves go loose when it comes to dance and ‘bhangra’. And considering we have 34 Indians in this year’s batch, and had 20 in last year’s, that’s a huge number on the floor, and that’s not even counting the locals and other International students who just couldn’t resist joining in. That really shows how rhythm and enjoyment has nothing to do with cultural boundaries; if you can dance, you can dance on any music.

The orientation is now over, the preliminaries complete and now it's time to go in for the final kill. It will be a long, arduous and stressful affair; there will be moments of happiness, success, and sometimes grief, despair and disappointment. But then the pleasure of the journey lies not in the destination but in the journey itself. So here's to books, studies, case studies, lectures, presentations, team meetings and discussions, internships, projects and other activities (time, energy and life permitting)!

MBA musings

The last one week has been a most fruitful and engrossing one, despite it being so hectic and fast-paced. Finally I get to sit in class or at least in ‘my’ college; it feels so lovely to be able to say that after three years of work.

We have been having orientation sessions from the Center for International Students here at the College of William & Mary, and it was outstanding to meet and interact with people from so many different nationalities and cultures, and, to my great embarrassment, to understand how limited my outlook towards life has been so far. I guess how and what one thinks about a career is all dependent on many factors: one’s upbringing, one’s family background, the careers being pursued in the near and distant family, and in general the basic temperament and awareness level of the individual concerned.

Meeting the faculty and my coach has been a wonderful experience; I don’t believe they will always be so nice and laughing, but the overall atmosphere is of a subdued informality infused with a sense of friendliness and reassurance that people understand what you are going through and are here to help you out, provided you are ready to help yourself first.

Meeting my classmates in the MBA program has again been a huge eye-opener, perhaps more than the eye-opener at the International Student orientation, because there are some people here, of the few who I have managed to meet in this time and I really need to pick up my pace in that matter, who are really outstanding; I mean, their profiles are absolutely mind-boggling and superb. It makes me feel so very sheepish with my basic Computer Engineering degree and a 3 year stint in an Indian IT company (sure Capgemini is a French concern, but frankly let’s stick to the facts here). It is going to be a challenge working with them, competing with them, and if luck favors the brave, to even better them; but perhaps more than the challenge, it’s going to be a hugely pleasurable exercise just getting to know them and to maybe rub off some of their skills and hopefully pass on some of one’s ‘own’, howsoever small they may be. The statistics are also pretty impressive; we have total class strength of 121, of which 40% are international students from 12 different countries and 40% are female students. That’s a pretty high number, but it would make life much more interesting, don’t you think?

As part of the Business School orientation, we had a session today wherein they took us down to the York River State Park to do some Community Service Activity. The Park is a beautiful site spread over nearly 2500 acres of forest, marshland and river acreage. What we were expected to do was help the Park authorities with certain tasks like cutting down wild vegetation in the riverside areas, cutting down some trees that have overgrown or are a hazard to general safety, clearing the biking trails of huge stones and large pieces of gravel, cleaning the kayaks and canoes that the Park rents out, and just keeping the Park furniture in the right places. It may not seem like much, but in the hot Virginia summer when temperatures are ranging around 32-33 C, nothing can be more tortuous, and especially more so if one has to trudge through bristles, thorny bushes, shrubs filled with bugs that bite and scratch, and maybe even slush and muck. But it was a fun affair irrespective of all that, because we did it all as a team, and I guess that was what was the intention, because eventually we are all going to engrossed in our programs, but if we can gel together as a group now, it would help us do a lot better job at coping with the stress and tension.
Typically for me, I got the somewhat easier job of helping to return the Park furniture to the original positions, a job that required a group of 4 to pick up picnic benches, put it into a I-don’t-know-what’s-it-called vehicle, sit in the vehicle and ride for say 2-3 minutes and then lift it back from the aforementioned vehicle and just place it in the designated place. So I got lucky, I guess :) .
All in all, it’s been a whole lot of fun this whole week; I don’t think it will always be like this, but it’s nice while it lasts. I am really looking forward to the Ropes course on Friday, which is supposed to be something like an Athletic Adventure Course, and everyone who knows me on an intimate level can attest to the fact that if there was an chap not attuned to athletics or sports of any kind, it is me.
Will post on Friday after the Ropes to let you know how it was.

Here I am

Come tomorrow, and I will have completed one week here at Williamsburg. It seems so surreal, to have finally embarked on a journey one was awaiting for so long, and to find that while the journey, in a travel sense, ended with one landing on the shores of one’s destination, it has but begin in the real sense. Each day brings forth new surprises, new challenges and new realizations such as we aren’t as incompetent (or competent) as we once believed ourselves to be, or that while we may have prided ourselves on our ‘terrific’ sense of humor, in truth it really stinks, not quite the “l’air de l’humour” as much as “l’air de folie”.

Williamsburg is the most beautiful little city I have ever been to. Cities like London, Paris or Berlin exhibit their magnificence through their sheer sizes and the weight of history, but Williamsburg has history and yet a most comforting warmth. Life here isn’t quite as hurried or tense as in the big cities, maybe because it’s essentially supposed to be a relic of an age when relaxation wasn’t something people did away from home. The word ‘relic’ is most misleading, because it isn’t as if Williamsburg isn’t endowed with present-day comforts; it’s just that it prides itself on the relaxed and calm life that it offers its denizens. I don’t know whether this is the norm everywhere, but the people here seem very kind and generous insomuch that despite there not being a stop sign, they will stop their vehicles to allow pedestrians to cross the roads, or in that once in a while they will just give you a nice smile when seated opposite you in the bus.

The College of William & Mary, my home for the next two years, pervades in everything at Williamsburg. No matter where you go in Williamsburg, your status as a student just won’t leave you and that’s very much to your benefit. Just roaming around the campus would take you a good two-three hours, and that would be time well-spent, because I don’t reckon I have seen a greener campus, with the possible exception of the IIT-Mumbai campus, or a more architecturally pleasing one, again with the exception of Oxford and Cambridge. While Oxford and Cambridge have an aura, a magnificence that comes from being hoary half-millennial giants, Williamsburg’s relative ‘youth’ (the college is currently in its 316^th year since incorporation) means that its structures aren’t quite as forbidding and yet have a solidity of age and time.

The new Miller Hall, where my MBA program is now housed, is simply breath-taking. Standing in the Courtyard and looking around at the structure, one feels a strange thrill rush through one’s body. The building isn’t just pleasing to the eye; it’s sophisticated within. As the Dean would say, it’s a building built to match William & Mary’s age and style but with an eye on the needs of the future. I, for one, was really impressed with the level of detail and care that has been taken to ensure that the building is geared to meet every conceivable requirement of the students and the faculty that it will house. It will be great fun to work there; 2 years may just fly past, but memories such as these would always last a lifetime.

I started out this journey with a question “Quo vadis?”, or “Where are you going?”; now I can say “I am here”.

• Williamsburg

Tick tock, goes the clock....

Just 10 days to go before I leave and the finality of my departure is finally beginning to dawn on me. There was a sense of excitement and eagerness that accompanied the shopping; an anxiety that one should be adequately prepared and should have everything that could conceivably be needed when one reaches one’s destination.

But now that the shopping’s over and it’s time to start filling in the bags, a strange sense of despondency is setting in. It isn’t as if this is the first time I am going away from the family, although the last time that I did, it was just for a fortnight, and with a certain date of return in mind. Maybe the uncertainty of when I would get to return (surely after the two years of the program, or maximum after three years) is getting to me; maybe it’s me doubting my ability to stay alone for two years, having never done anything of this magnitude before in all my 24 years.

Somehow looking at the shopping and thinking that, excluding a few minor additions here and there, this are going to be all my worldly possessions for the next two years is slightly unnerving. That I won't be able to argue or fight with my brother the way I do now would be comforting for my parents, but somewhere deep down all that squabbling was part of our affection for each other, and I am surely going to miss that. I will miss my breakfast time chats with my parents over myriad topics while we would read the newspapers, my tea getting cold and their scolding me for never drinking tea as it should be drunk, hot. Whatever it is, it’s weighing me down.

Somehow it feels so unreal that after 10 days, I will have to do everything on my own; perhaps more than anything, it’s the cooking which is terrifying me, considering I have NEVER cooked a decent meal in my life, save maybe omelets, scrambled eggs, and the occasional half-fry. Maggi doesn’t count as cooking, and well, tea and coffee is something you just know, so it also doesn’t count. But mother’s tips and recipes and the good old Internet should hopefully see me through. La mamma is packing in so many condiments, prepared masalas, ready to cook dishes and utensils that someone might think I am going to cook for an entire regiment at Williamsburg; but in frankness, it would be nice to once in a while cook a nice Indian meal to remember the pleasures of home and the taste of mummy’s cooking. You can't get it all, but a simulacrum is better than nothing at all.

In all this, let it not be said that I am not looking forward to going; au contraire, I am most eager for the opportunity; to quote the parents, this should teach me responsibility. There will be many who are in the same condition as me; we will all stumble a little, but we will all be there to help each other overcome the teething troubles smoothly. So here’s to life at Williamsburg and to the next two years at the College of William & Mary.

Talking about the news

I haven't written much in fifteen days and there have been so many things to write and talk about, so here's my take on a few of them.

Iran:

Where do we go from here, is a question most Iranians and their neighbours and perhaps everyone else in the world is asking themselves now.

Just 30 years ago, similarly furious denunciations of the system that is, a desire to change the course of government caused a Revolution, a revolution that changed the very manner in which people would now view the Middle East and Iran. Relations between Iran and the world haven't quite been as normal as before.

Ahmadinejad is widely seen as a rabble rouser and a hard line leader, a hawk when it comes to Israel and the US, and somehow in the changed geopolitics with Obama's ascent and the coalition pulls and pushes in Israel, Ahmadinejad's stubbornness and belligerent tone does more harm than good to both Iran and the world. His confidence perhaps arises from the abundant resources of oil and natural gas at the disposal of the Iranian state and the currently high prices of these resources, but sadly he has failed to use satisfactorily the previous windfall, giving no reason to believe that he will do a better job now.

What will Mousavi's followers unleash on Iran and the world this time around is anyone's guess, but if Iran is showing any signs of moving away from an autocratic clergy-controlled 'democracy' to a truly representative one, those changes would be a welcome one.

• Why Obama isn't showing more outrage about the Iranian elections

India:

The 'racial' attacks issue pertaining to Indian students in Australia and Canada seems to have lost its lustre, at least in the eyes of the media. I guess we all suffer from a very short attention span, needing very fast changes of topics to keep ourselves interested in life, a sort of short-term memory loss à la Ghajini. That these attacks themselves have not ceased is a given, because these attacks are not the first on international students and frankly they will not be the last, no matter how hard we may wish to believe to the contrary. In a comment to my last blog on this issue, a reader said that sometimes simple vandalism and hooliganism hides beneath the cloak of racism; it's diversionary tactics at its best.

What we need to do is to protect ourselves, within the ambit of the law of the land. To be truthful, most people find it easy to single out international students because such students are literally neon-lit signboards saying 'I am different', an open invitation to be harassed. While retaining one's cultural and ethnic idiosyncrasies is one's personal choice and right, when in Rome, at least try to do as the Romans do; don't be like the barbarian at the gates, or at least don't give that impression. In the end, God helps those who help themselves, but an eye for an eye will make the whole world go blind.

The United Kingdom:

Gordon Brown must love roller coaster rides. From the dizzying height of being acclaimed the saviour of the free world economy to being denounced as a useless, good-for-nothing, self-centered, obnoxious and uninspiring git must have been quite a journey, and that too when it happens within just six months. But then in politics, a week's a long time. Mr. Brown's colleagues are either being implicated in the expenses scandal and are being forced to resign (a bloody good thing too, and something I want to see replicated in India; 90% of our fat cats would be out on the street then) or are leaving the sinking ship themselves, with no implied allusions to the rodent class.

In the end, Mr. Brown's woes are emanating from the fact that he is an unelected leader, thrust upon the people. So far, our Manmohanji was also sharing the ignominy, but with the recent election results, he's our leader, by our choice, not Madam's alone. Somehow the people of the UK haven't quite gotten over the magic of Blair and the fact that Brown is to some extent responsible for not having done enough to control the wildly spiralling economy when Chancellor of the Exchequer makes him no one's Darling (poor Alistair, being forced to clean up Gordie's mess).

Well that's all for now.

Quo vadis - To Williamsburg!

So finally ends the MBA campaign at the gates of The College of William & Mary's Mason School of Business. The day has been absolute poetry so far; when I opened my mail today morning, I was pleasantly surprised to find the Admissions Coordinator's mail (ok, that was an exaggeration; I was waiting for it for the last one week with the eagerness of a father-to-be outside the OT waiting for his child to come forth). 

The Mason School of Business and for that matter the College of William & Mary has a most splendid website, which really gave me all the info I needed to prepare my application as also to fill me with the conviction to want to be there. Maybe all B-schools are equally good, but then that's my personal opinion that a good B-School website should have all the info right there and easily accessible; it makes the student's life easier and lessens the correspondence to answer simple FAQs.

The College also has been really nice to keep on contacting me once in a while, just to give me a heads-up on where my application lay. It even appointed a senior student to guide me through understanding what life at William & Mary is all about, which goes to say volumes about how much they valued my decision to apply to them, and how they wanted me to have the most accurate picture of things.

On informing the Home Office of the good news, well the riverine tales began. Never get it why moms must cry, but heck, maybe moms feel that mera beta bada ho gaya, notwithstanding the fact that the 'beta' is a 24 year old bloke.

On telling everyone in the Foreign Office (the Home Office is les parents et le frère), the usual demands for treats and celebrations were raised and deftly deflected, but of course, merely pushed forward to a more opportune time (may that day never dawn :P). I should be scheduled to put in the papers once the Visa's stamped and delivered (fingers crossed about that); a lot's still to happen - must send check to college, get I20 from them, submit visa application....damn, learn cooking, get new clothes (:P)...so much to do, and so damn little time.

The happiness was a bit tempered by the fact that one's best friend was still without an admit, and was in the dumps, feeling all low and negative. It's so damn hard to console someone when you are seen to have what they want; it almost seems as if you are teasing them. Thankfully as the day ended, matters were more cheerful as the friend also received an interview call, making things look more positive and possible.

I have been browsing through countless sites trying to find out more about Williamsburg; the weather, the possibilities in terms of accomodation, financial aid, etc. I even started walking the streets, courtesy Google Maps :P. All in all, a great day! 

• The Mason School of Business
• Google Maps

Quo vadis.....?

Last year, around this time, with my GMAT score in, an MBA didn't seem that difficult a goal to achieve. But then a week is a long time, and a year even more so, and what a year it has been! Of the 11 colleges I have applied to, all save 3 have sent in their polite regrets. Each passing day fills one with despondency; the realization that it's now or never doesn't make things any easier to bear.

So time for a post-mortem; actually it's premature since I still have two more colleges whose replies are yet to come in, one which has invited me for an interview, and I have still one more application to submit. But I still feel it would be worthwhile to do a PM while one is at it.

The PM would start and end with just one sentence: One did not prepare as well as one should have

A favourite grouse of the parents, and quite justified in my case. Frankly I must admit that my whole approach to the affair was a tad frivolous. Deadlines are meant to be respected, but surely one could have written one's essays earlier than the day before the deadline. One's research about the college one was applying to was zilch in most cases, and by the time one realized that over three quarters of one's applications had been rejected. 

Essays could have been submitted for more detailed scrutiny by experts and peers; one always feels one writes well, but then one wasn't writing about the Napoleonic Wars or the Tokugawa Shogunate or the effect of Radium on a photographic plate; one was writing about oneself, perhaps the most difficult of tasks ever devised.

I could always hide behind the excuse that the recession and the resultant upheavals in the professional world are resulting in a steep hike in the applications being received by MBA schools this year. Sure, that may be true and my applications' being rejected may have some connection with that fact, but does that mean I am completely exonerated? Perhaps not; what my competitors may have brought to the table was work experience, a uniqueness of exposure, but surely there must have been something even more unique I could have stated, had I chosen to look within? 

So the point is, the entire campaign has been a disaster, with a few triumphs thrown in between, so far; whether it eventually achieves the status of a fiasco is for time to tell.

To Love....

My 200th blog! When I started out writing in 2005. on the prodding of a friend, I never quite imagined that I would reach this far. Over time, I have come to enjoy the experience, and have perhaps gained more than I have given. This blog's dedicated to an idea I am most in love with: love.

For someone's who been in love for as long as he can remember, someone who loves being in love just because it makes him feel complete, love isn't just another emotion; it's the very reason of existence. Call me a sentimentalist fool, an impractical and emotional person, but that's the way I am. I alone know how much I have benefited from the love I feel for that special someone, how much I have grown in the past few years, how much my ideas, my beliefs and my views about the world around me have improved for the better. And all this when the love is merely one-sided, unrequited except for the affections of a close friend; imagine then what I could become if I were to receive her love as well!

Some would say that you are a fool and that she could never love you as much as you love her; I say to them, an angel can only be seen with the eyes of a child and the trust you repose in that angel is absolute and unquestioning, just like a child feels for a parent. Some say that it is futile to wait; but I say to them, would you not wait for that special someone with whom you want to spend your whole life? Would you not be ever so patient when she's taking her time to make up her mind, because in your heart, somewhere deep down, you feel that she loves you just as much as you love her? And moresoever, love is the purest and most beautiful when given with free will, without expectation and obligation. When you love just because you wish to love, that is true love.

For me, love is like it's in the fairy tales: a happily-ever after story. And that's the way it should be. Those who claim that their beloved has changed since they married, I wonder whether you really knew them well in the first place. When you love someone, you must feel her every heartbeat, sense her every thought; basically be her alter-ego, her soul, just as she must be yours. A love that is not based on mere attraction or affection, that is founded on a deep sense of devotion, a love far beyond time and age, which encompasses all the quirks and eccentricities of your partner, because even they make him/her seem so much more loveable, now that is true love. And believe me, such a love will last you your entire lifetime; even when you are old and aging, your eyes will still twinkle when they behold her and your ears will yearn to hear her dulcet voice, and she will still blush when you give her a simple red rose.

Love isn't something you can rush into; all the stuff about love at first sight is nice, but love's like a fine wine; it matures with time and patience. The experience is so much more better when you have waited for so long to live it. 

Musings....

Sometimes you love someone with all your heart. You love her so much that you fear losing her company; that you never want her out of your sight. Every day, when you see her, you realize ever so much just how much you love her, and yearn to love her even more so. Her mere sight makes the sun shine ever so brighter; her laughter is like birds chirping in mirth; her eyes like jewels sparkling in the soft moonlight. You want to pamper her, hold her in your embrace for all time, to kiss her sweet brow and just caress her soft tresses, to blow away the locks which fall on her blushing cheeks, to watch her nose wrinkle up o so sweetly when she laughs.

And yet you fear that she might shrink away from so much love. Love is a strange thing. When it isn’t there, it’s like a vacuum, painless, your body numb to any overtures and sensations. And yet when it’s there, it’s like a tornado of emotions, just wanting to destroy all semblance of normalcy, to make you mad and insatiable for affection. And that is a scary moment for anyone. Anyone could feel suffocated in such torrid environs, and yet one hopes that one’s love is strong enough to overcome such a sensation of reluctance.

Image: Rodin's "The Thinker"

I await....

Once in a while, we await some things more than anything ever imaginable. Sometimes, we just want time to pass ever so fast so that we may encounter some distant joy, that we may finally come to enjoy what we most wish to happen.

There are many things that I await. I await the onset of the monsoon, with the sweet smell of the earth with the first showers, with the cold breezes that blow in from the sea, and the cuppa of hot coffee that I can enjoy sitting in my veranda. I wait for the summer for all the ice-creams and cold stuff that I can partake of, for all the mangoes that I get to relish, for the family vacation to distant places. I await the autumn, for Diwali, for fireworks, for goodies and sweets and all other savouries, for the softly cooling down of the air, for the mildly musty smell of last year’s woollens. And I await the winter, for the coldness in the air, the warmth of my blanket, the sweet slumber of the night, and the celebration of the Year. I await the beginning of the month for the chance to go to the local book store and buy the month’s supply of books.

I would await my results when in school and college, wanting to know whether I did as bad as I thought, or by some miracle, I had managed to pass. I would await the beginning of a new semester, for the chance to meet up with friends, to rejuvenate slumbering acquaintances, to realize how much we care for each other. (Even now I await Mondays more than Fridays. I am no workaholic; just that I miss my friends over the weekends.)

What do you wait for?

Counting down....

Just one more day left before the big one. Just 37 hours before one finally faces one’s fears. While I am relaxed in the thought that this isn’t the beginning of the end for anything, it surely would the end of the beginning of my attempt to get into a management school this year. The previous statement could be misread to imply that the battle has been conceded before firing even a single shot. Au contraire, I just wish to say that on the 18th will be decided whether I am prepared enough to be called upon by some of the most illustrious management schools of the country this year. So, to Fate, and to Fortune! :)

P.S.: This isn't the only test that I am giving, so the Fates may smile someplace, if not here, though if they smile here, I would be most glad (who wouldn't?).

Beyond the pale...

Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman Emperor, and perhaps the last Philosopher King to grace the earth, says in his Meditations,

“He who fears death either fears the loss of sensation or a different kind of sensation. But if you shall have no sensation, neither will you feel any harm; and if you shall acquire another kind of sensation, you will be a different kind of living being and you will not cease to live.”

Indeed, death, in its most raw form, is something that mystifies, yet terrifies, all who should bother to think of it. To be mystified, that is an admirable quality, for Descartes has said “I think, so I exist”, so evidently illustrating that the ability to think, to imagine, to question why things were the way they were, is the supreme mark of a living and sentient being. The two words, though seemingly related, and in truth very synonymous, are yet very distinct in each other. We all live, we live amongst the billions of insects, animals, birds, fishes, etc., and yet what is it that distinguishes us from them? To those who would retort a brain that can think and distinguish between right and wrong, I would gainsay, for even these beings possess this ability, and often they are seen to use it better than what most humans can be credited with. I feel, and this remains my own opinion, that the real strength that humanity possesses within it that makes it so different from the rest is its ability to think and ponder over why the pattern of life is just so.

Descartes says that if you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things. If you do not care to query, then God denies you the right to call yourself a sentient being, although you are alive. A few may demur, that after all to live is to sense, and if I am to be deemed alive, it is but obvious that I am sentient. It isn’t so. Just to breathe isn’t the same as to celebrate the wonder that is the human respiratory system, to feel the sense of touch isn’t the same as to stand in awe at the miracle that is the nervous structure, to see isn’t the same as to bow down before the great marvel that transforms mere sight to the grandeur that is vision. Most of us take our lives so much for granted, that we simply forget to honour the spectacles that we see everyday. Only when a marvel is blemished by doubt, and I use the word here very specifically, does its wondrous nature become even more evident.

I started out with Marcus Aurelius and his thoughts on death, and have throughout the last few paragraphs, stated why being sentient is more important than just being alive. And yet, Marcus Aurelius was dismissive of death being viewed as a possible conqueror of the senses or the giver of new sensations. For, in Marcus’s words, if death is to take away your senses, then what is pain to you? Whence your senses desert you in life, whilst you still breathe, if you feel no compassion, no fear, no emotion, then why the morbid fear of death, which grants you the same “feeling”?

Answering the questions....

What is life? A question or an answer to a question? To those who believe in reincarnation, perhaps the latter, for one would come back to experience life only if one has found something wanting in one’s previous life/lives. And in truth, what indeed is life all about?

Is it the sweet feeling of togetherness and bonding with one’s loved ones, the warmth of love and affection, feeling secure in the arms of the one you care for the most and in turn holding him/her in your arms, or is it something else? Is life about grief, about the salty tears that splash down when it hurts, the sudden choked voice when one wants to cry out and no voice comes out? Is it about deception, about not being what the world sees you to do, about wearing different masks for different people, and never knowing who one really is? Or is it about just living life, one moment at a time, one breath, one heartbeat at a time?

For me, and I truly believe in this, life is a medley of all this and much more. To be happy without ever having experienced grief is to never truly realize the value of that joy, of that bliss. On the other hand, to have always been in the downs, to never have felt the warmth of affection, would make one so very pessimistic and so very dead. Can one truly appreciate the value of trust and belief when one has never been betrayed? So to enjoy a positive, one must suffer a negative, if just for a brief moment.

Sometimes, life must be lived alone, without anyone beside you. You could be surrounded by countless people, and yet be alone in your solitude. You don’t need books, or music, or someone special to lose yourself.
Just think of yourself as a raindrop, released from the dark, grey clouds. This drop is destined to reach the ground and then be consumed by the parched earth, and yet it never thinks, or rather it cannot think of ever stopping its descent, of ever turning back towards whence it came. It is surrounded by its brethren, so many like itself, and yet it falls alone. It can only see itself in them, a pale reflection of its soul in their eyes. There is a spot on the earth given to it to fall upon, a soul to enliven, and a heart to bring joy to.
Be like that raindrop; do what you must, bring joy to all whom you can, and leave the rest to the Fates. They will not betray your trust in them.

Musings en général!

The past one week has been a remarkably eventful one for me, with both happy, and somewhat despodent moments here and there. Guess one can term it a microcosm of life in general.

Had my first "real" simulated CAT test on the 24th, and did much better than I expected. Actually, much would be understating my surprise, because I managed to enter the hallowed ranks of the top 1 percent students giving the test. And this when I really am not preparing to the best of my abilities. My mom always would tell me that although I never put in the most of my abilities in whatever I did, and mind you, despite this, I still would manage to scrape through with pretty good grades, imagine what could have happened if I would have been better prepared. But the bumbler that I am, the message simply never sank in, until now.

And yet, I see no reason to be exultant over my performance, simply because the test in question was a simple one, and mastering it would really have tested not many people's skills. And yet, I am not questioning the ways of the Fates. I am greatful for this boost, and I pray that my performance should continue to maintain this level, irrespective of the grade of difficulty or ease of the test concerned.

Of course the very next day, i.e. on the 25th, had my viva voce on Digital Signal Processing. In truth, the subject is a very interesting one, especially after the seminar I had attended on the topic wherein some very interesting applications of this subject were explored. But after the test on the 24th, I was so tired that studying was simply something my mind had pushed to the back of the priority queue. Of course, I did manage to brush up something before the viva, but as usual, became blank when faced with questions. I did manage to make a complete mess of things by not satisfactorily answering even those questions whose answers I knew very well. And then like a jerk, I sulked and simply refused to be social with my friends for the rest of the evening. Maybe they understood my emotions, but had I been in their place, I perhaps would have been offended by my behaviour. My apologies to my friends for my most childish behaviour.

Guess I should be signing off now. Just leaving you with a thought for the day:
There is nothing more painful than seeing someone you love loving someone else. But there is nothing more rewarding than seeing two people you love loving each other. ~ J.H. Li