A coward's guilt

No matter how much an individual may seek to show that he/she is a soul endowed with the courage of the Gods, in the end it always comes to this that this ‘courage’ deserts them when they need it the most. From the time I started writing this blog, I comforted myself that expressing one’s feelings, one’s opinions requires a lot of courage, and this blog was a sort of symbol of mine.
And yet today, I sit like a monarch, over the ruins of his realm, a commoner, truly a ‘Common’ Man, and yet, I have no right to call myself a common man.
A few days back, I did something, something that I had wanted to do for the last six months, but never quite got around to doing it. I simply lacked the courage to face the consequences. Not that the wait helped in any way, because even now I am running from them. And somewhere down the line, I know I am going to regret this boorish behavior on my part. Those who know of what I am speaking must feel that I, by refusing to even face this obsession of mine (I hate to call it my obsession, it so demeans my act, but somehow ……), bring into doubt the very genuineness of my emotions, of my motives. I would have, in other circumstances, defended myself, but now, I cannot, because I am to blame. Had I not, in that moment of courage, derived from what impulse God alone knows, initiated these wheels of Time, I would not be in such a position today.
But then, I acted as I did, not because my patience was wearing out, but because I was becoming crazed by the thought of stopping myself from expressing myself. To have resisted the lure of the act any further would have affected me, in a manner far worse than what I display at present.
Maybe, the ones who know will find it in them to understand my fears, for these fears are not ordinary ones. Maybe they will find it possible to forgive me my behavior over the last two days. If they can’t, I grudge them not their feelings. They are entitled to them. As the new week starts, I will have to find the courage to face my fears, to face the consequences, whatever they may be, because delaying any further will harm me even more than the consequence that I fear.